Nothing’s Shocking. OK. Almost Nothing.

I’m not sure what’s worse–the fact that Walter Scott was brutally murdered by a law enforcdment officer in this “land of the free”, or the fact that when I cried last night upon watching the video, I felt like I was faking it in hindsight.

I sorta liken it to when my father died last year from stage 4 lung/liver cancer. When I got the call saying he was dead, I let out a scream and teared up for a bit, and then it was just numbness for the rest of that day. I knew it was going to happen. It didn’t shock me.

I wanted to feel something last night, I REALLY wanted to. But it seems we have crossed the Rubicon regarding police brutality in this country. Nothing’s shocking. To me anyway.

What also doesn’t shock me is the apologists I’ve seen on various websites and Fox News trying to sweep this thing under the rug. I had to dig to find any link, video or just an article, on the shooting. The first one I found? A video with the caption “Protesters Interrupt presser on fatal police shooting in SC”. You know, as if the protesters are bad people for demanding that this incident finally be the tipping point to start cascading reforms on how police do things. By the way, they weren’t “interrupting”.

“Oh no. These fuckers and their constant poking and prodding again. I thought I just had my prostate examined last month.”

I mean, as long as “interrupting” isn’t the same thing as “asking questions” in your head. “Good God, we can’t have people asking questions! Then they’ll find out about the crack I sprinkled on another dead body on my way to get Chinese for lunch. This questioning of my authority is upsetting my stomach more than eating too much General Tso’s chicken!”

Let’s just all laugh it off–just like people at my job have done with the whole Michael Brown thing. Literally. I heard the receptionist laughing at the notion that Wilson’s killing of Brown was unjustifiable once.

Meanwhile, others have the nerve to legitmately ask “what business did [Scott] have running?”, which again, doesn’t surprise me. Maybe it’s because he was UNARMED and feared for his life. And by the way, if you haven’t noticed–I’m black. Whenever I get pulled over I shake in my goddamn boots. That being said, I’ve had mostly friendly interactions with officers, but 2-3 horrific ones where I was visibly scared–I find it mildly ironic that upon having my backpack searched once the officer questioned me about anti-anxiety medication prescribed to me and I REALLY COULD HAVE USED SAID MEDICATION AT THE TIME.

But I digress.

Police training needs to be reformed. Radically. North Charleston has said their officers will now wear body cams, which have been shown to reduce altercations (whether the oficer of the civilian starts it) by up to 70%, and it also makes it clear WHO started it–maybe then, MAYBE then, we can have fewer instances of people coming to two different conclusions while having the same sets of facts (as has been the case with tragedy after tragedy involving police over the years). And yes, a person has to be found guilty beyond a reasonable doubt (Darren Wilson didn’t even go to trial). I get it. But what you do in the dark surely will come to the light–Zimmerman has been in repeat trouble (for smaller offenses) since the Trayvon Martin shooting, and the guy was a goddamn neighborhood watch guy/cop-wanna be. Ferguson also exhibited a clear culture of corruption, as evinced in the DOJ report issued. But you know, Obama’s out to get white people. Even though he’s half-white.

A second point on police training–what kind of psychopath handcuffs someone after shooting them 8 times? A police officer. Why? They’re trained to do it.

Seriously.This is inhumane. Why? BECAUSE HE’S DEAD, FOR FUCK’S SAKE.  Even Eric Garner’s death was the result of what once was police procedure.

I can go on and on, but the fact that these reforms are not being called for louder enough, that just charging the officer with murder is somehow enough to change the system doesn’t surprise me. And if he’s found not guilty or if it’s dropped to manslaughter or something, that again does not surprise me. Nor do critics of the #blacklivesmatter hashtag. Of course all lives matter, what part of “disproportionate use of force among blacks” do you not get? Black people can simultaneously treat all human life as equal while using said hashtag. Black people aren’t dumb. No really, we’re not. You’re a racist for thinking that though.

The last thing that does not surprise me is me hoping that this post has some lasting impact. It won’t. Not unless I get off my butt and actually do something. I’ve been guilty of apathy and numbness in our politics in general over the years–I was in tears in 2008 upon having a black president elected in my lifetime, 4 years later I voted for a dead white guy in protest. I still think voting for George Carlin was justifiable though, given my Missouri residency and his ability to speak truth to power. An Obama vote didn’t matter, thanks to the Electoral College and Missouri no longer being a swing state in national elections.

But after this, I can no longer sit idly by. I demand change. REAL change.
I demand that those in power be held accountable.

I demand that the guy who filmed the shooting be given a Pulitzer or an equivalent because sweet Christ on a cracker, does ANYONE do any real journalism anymore?

I demand that Walter Scott finally, FINALLY be the inflection point on the curve of disaster this country has been set on, and that his name will not be sent to the hashtag graveyard on the Internet a few weeks, or a few days from now.

And I demand that you find a way to get involved, someway, somehow, in whatever movement you can find, even if it’s not related to police brutality. Something good. Something to help humanity. Something more than a Facebook essay or a brief 140-character chirp of wisdom.

But I get it, dildoing yourself while playing Candy Crush on your couch is fun. So whatever. Just don’t complain when the next video surfaces and you had no idea the revolution has finally been televised because you were too busy watching “America’s Got Talent”.

To be fair, we  do have talent–if apathy were an Olympic sport, we’d win gold every 4 years.  Without having to show up.

(drops mic)

RIP Terry Allen (6.30.1954–10.6.2014)

*This was meant for Facebook, hence my discussing the hiatus later in the post*

So you probably know how infernal 2013 was for me, but relief came in February in KC. Even more adventures began in June when I moved to Michigan for my new job and new chapter of my journey. During this “honeymoon” phase I thought I had conquered anything life could possibly throw at me. Anything was possible. My psyche could never be broken. EVER. Try to break me. Just fucking try.

Well, one call I received in mid-August and another earlier this month showed that my hubris was once again on display.

Those calls, as you may have inferred by now, informed me of the diagnosis and death, respectively, of one of my best friends.

He had his flaws, we had some disagreements. But his involvement in my life–from teaching me to read at age 3, drilling me with math flash cards at age 4, getting me into baseball and eventually being head coach of our team for 3 years, to encouraging me to get out of Cahokia to better myself at age 15, to his steadily consistent love for me and respect for others that he deemed worthy of receiving—is a gift arguably worth as much as the gift of the life he helped give me. Especially when you consider where I am from and how few fathers are around in those homes. I thought he would live long past 60. I thought his desire to take care of himself more would offset my mom’s death at age 57 by more than 3 years. And I never thought I’d share something like this on Facebook—I kept my mother’s death in September 2011 off what some perceive as a deep blue sea of negativity. And I didn’t wanna be a complete attention/sympathy whore.

But there’s a difference. This isn’t Facebook drama. It’s real life. And I’m going on FB hiatus for 30 days, starting at 1:00 Eastern on Sunday, so I can do what he’d want me to do—live my life. Watching football exactly 27 days after I got that call will probably help me remember that I am 27 years old. I in theory have a long life to live, but being at the near midway point—assuming I do not live longer than my parents—scares the fuck out of me.

Emotionally, I am alright. Don’t worry. I still have bursts of anger or sadness that come at random, but I am handling this tragedy much better than the one from 3 years ago.

New hobbies have been part of that, and darts helped me get my mind off his cancer and death more than anything. Except for when I hit the triple-20 spot in honor of him, I guess.

The last time I quit FB was in January of 2013, for 30 days. During that time, I lost 13 pounds, quit drinking, noticed a reduced need for prescribed medication, slept better, truly got my ass in gear regarding my job search after a couple weeks of feeling sorry for myself, and to say it simply—I found better crap to do. Even if I was browsing Reddit, it was still at LEAST marginally better than wasting time on Facebook. No, really.

I also found obsolete ways of contacting people. Anyone remember texting? Actually hearing a voice on the damn phone? I think that had a significant effect in curtailing negative states of mind, also.

So my absence does not mean I won’t be completely out of touch with the world. I have email (tavaresallen@gmail.com), Skype (tavares.allen.17), this blog, hell my YouTube channel isn’t extinct yet, go there if you want. I do need to make another video though.

If you want to be really brave, you can text or (gasp) call me. My number has changed as of April though, so message me before I deactivate on Sunday if you want it.

I’m out. Have fun dressing up like sluts without judgment, girls, and embarrass yourself even more than usual, gents. She doesn’t even know what you look like with that Ebola mask on. Go for it.  Your costume is totally original, bro.

Rest in peace, dad.  I’d like to think you’re reading this laughing and wondering why I never showed you my YouTube channel.  That’s a good question, actually.

Fuck The Police, Part #57897914

Now that I think about it, last night could have been worse.  Much worse.  And I’ll explain why later, but as for now, let’s get into why EVERY situation with a police officer must end with me hating them more and more.

I was over the middle broke white line of the eastbound side of I-94.  Which happens many times and is careless.  What is more careless is how the police officer, instead of turning his lights on whilst behind me, you know, like a normal cop, he decides to get in the left lane and turn his lights on–as if he was almost hoping I would swerve into him and then he’d have a reason to legitimately shoot me.  Right?  In any case, after 10 seconds or so, he gets behind me and then proceeds.  I hadn’t eaten a boulder of crystal meth behind me, so I wasn’t really ready for a white guy to rape me with his consent.  But I guess you have no other choice.  That’s why it’s rape and just not regular old froth-filled gay fucking.

He walks over.  He asks me all the stupid questions.  “You know what the middle white line is for, right?” “Why are you even driving like this?” “Oh, so you’re clearing your windshield off while you’re driving?  That’s smart, you should have done that beforehand” (never mind Michigan’s perpetual fog and the fact that my defogger is made for ants) “Where’s your phone? What were you doing with it?” At this point he slyly requests to see it, not outright, but upon locating it he said nothing afterward.  And even if he did, I am aware of my 4th amendment rights.  Or at least what’s left of it.

I’d try answering any questions in a stammering manner, but you know there’s no point.  Cops are the authority, they simply go through this in order to remind themselves that.  Such a shame to need that much stimulation to get an erection.

I give the polcie officer my license and what registration I had on hand.  It was not the current one–hey, I was scared.  I have no time to make sure things are correct because if I take too long he will continue to try to provoke me, 

Then again, maybe I should have taken that time.

“Is this car yours?”

“Yes, of course It’s mine.”

“Well when someone is driving that erratically and is trying to talk over me, i get curious.”

“Sir, I’m sorry about–“

“When I see an Illinois form of identifcation, Missouri registration, Kansas license plates, and you’re in Michigan, I have to wonder if you’re a criminal.”

‘Sir, it is completely false for you to assume–“

“I didn’t assume anything.  I’m just curious.”  At this point my mind’s dopaminergic neurons completely fail at trying to understand this guy.  They basically start sucking up neurotransmitters instead of releasing them, causing a complete implosion.

“I AM NOT A CRIMINAL, I AM AN EDUCATED COLLEGE GRADUATE WITH A CIVIL ENGINEERING DEGREE.”

That felt good.  I don’t like pulling the “black” card.  So I said “educated”.  Close enough.

“Well if you’re educated, then you can get Michigan plates after being here within 90 days of moving and a license within 60, and you can get me a proper registration when I return.”

Well, sure, officer, I can get you a proper registration except it was on my coffee table.  Because when calling my insurance company yesterday, I couldn’t just keep the fucking registration in the car.  Don’t ask–it’s been a very rough week, what, with working 44 hours in 4 days–so brainfarts and just plain massive ADD happen.  

At this point, I would like to speed things along, but I can’t.  See, if I get out of my car for any reason, I’m resisting arrest before I even get arrested.  If I touch my phone again, this time he’s going to demand it and any acknowledgments of my rights is going to lead to someone having to read my last rights.  Use your head?  Bullet to the head.  That’s how it goes in this country now.

A half-hour later, I get my ticket for careless/reckless driving or whatever, and that was the end of it.  Thankfully.  It could have been worse though had he seen that yellow pill under my armrest upon searching my car.  I have a prescription for said medication, but who knows, maybe I look like the kingpin of Operation Pill Crusher.

That’s the name of your drug ring?  Really?  Somewhere Heisenberg is laughing is ass off at you.

I have more to complain about, given that my mom’s 60th birthday would have been yesterday and tomorrow marks the 3rd anniversary of her death….oh wait, yeah I do have more to complain about, something that could not have come at a worse time than this.

The Id of Idleness – The Drive-Thru

I am an advocate of the paleo diet–more on that in later entries–but I am not exactly on the diet as it is more expensive than the Standard American Diet, which as a fledgling substitute teacher (more on this later also), makes me…well…SAD.

Even when not paleo-ing though, I observe humans in their habitats, craving cups of corn syrup, carbing up with french fries, and fucking over their kids by force-feeding them friend chicken nuggets–and I gotta say, we are going to be stuck as a people eventually.  No, literally stuck IN OUR CARS.

So this morning, I go to a McDonalds and notice the drive-through line is spilled over in nearly both directions.

Essentially, the entire restaurant is encircled by cars, and people are trying to go in/out of the same (small) entrance.  Upon seeing this clusterfuck, I say to myself “HEY, it’s fast food, maybe it would be FASTER if I go inside to acquire my sausage burrito and hash browns.”  I take note of the cars and their position in line.

I order my food and it is ready more freaky fast than Jimmy John’s could ever dream of.  Even the cashier was dumbfounded–I got my food before my change.  Not even kidding.  I check my order to ensure accuracy, saunter out of the restaurant, and take a look at the line’s progress.  Only two cars have ordered from the drive thru.  TWO.  I walked a grand total of 200 feet and the cars in line moved 20 feet.  I look dumb wearing shorts in the 30-degree weather, they look dumber on their smartphones, telling Facebook how good their breakfast is gonna be, pledging their alleigance to corporate america with crony capitalism and selective justice for those with good lawyers.

 

This is why we can’t have universal healthcare.

This is the first of two videos I have done in the past month or so that I have not posted to this blog, but have posted on Facebook and elsewhere.

I had to get in on the Harlem Shake craze.  It’s ridiculously simple to do, first of all.  And there were other reasons, like promoting my channel.  If you like critical thinking (like I do), you should hate the Harlem Shake and everything about it.  As such, if you like critical thinking–all I ask is to hang in there for one more video.  Just trust me once you get to the 15 second mark.

 

I also would like to add that this is the highest viewed video in the “Pissed Off Black Guy” series.  Not sure if I should feel proud or if I should relinquish the last iota of faith I have in humanity.

VIDEO DUMP #1

This is the first of two videos I have done in the past month or so that I have not posted to this blog, but have posted on Facebook and elsewhere.

This one was in early February about the Super Bowl–an updated version of my first ever vid, done leaner, tighter, and awesome-er.  It was well received, but if you missed it, here you go.

 

Black Friday Rage (and random displays of teh stoopid that have bugged me lately)

I haven’t slept in almost 2 days and I’m supposed to get white-girl wasted with white girls tonight.  So here’s a post of random stuff that intrigued me during my reunion with a high school classmate (not from ho-town, the boarding school) today, along with things that have annoyed me over the past couple of days.  I am uploading a video currently, so think of this as the tease before the please.

1)      Fuck Black Friday and the nignorance surrounding this spectacle.  I see no point in standing in line to buy shit at midnight, so I will mock this chicanery by using politically correct words like “nignorance”.  Besides, my sole Black Friday shopping experience was  I got a sweet cell phone last year for $50 (half off).  Went to Best Buy at 4pm.  No trampling necessary.  I also know the meaning of Christmas more than most.  And I don’t really believe in God.  What a country.

2)      I regularly black out on Fridays, anyway.  You say I’m doing black Friday wrong, but I beg to differ.

3)      White girls love me because I drink heavily and am brutally honest with people, myself, and how I see the world.  I don’t have a girlfriend though, because I drink heavily and am brutally honest with people, myself, and how I see the world.

4)      Now that Ron Paul is leaving Congress (more on this topic in a future post), it’s safe to say that he’s going to eventually live in a nursing home and develop dementia.  He’ll be the guy in the hallway in a wheelchair being all like “AUSTRIAN ECONOMICS!”

“HEY GUYS, REMEMBER AYN RAND?  I FUCKED HER AND SHE DIDN’T WANT TO CUDDLE AFTERWARD”

“WEDNESDAY NIGHT’S LIBERTARIAN BINGO NIGHT.  NO FREE SPACE IN THE MIDDLE BECAUSE IT SYMBOLIZES GOVERNMENT HANDOUTS”

5)      Speaking of Ron Paul, I’m not sure how one can call himself a libertarian but think Dr. Paul is an idiot.  Then again, Republicans knew Romney was an idiot, but not having melanin makes up for that.  Can’t have a black guy in the White House that’s not a janitor, you know.

6)      Government is a lot like Internet Explorer.  It’s too bulky, not responding, crashes, and always offers to find a solution to the problem, which inevitably makes it worse.

7)      A girl got in my car and completely overlooked the box of condoms and K-Y Jelly in my passenger seat.  No fucks given on either side of this social interaction.  I should actually see how females respond on first dates.  They may say “wtf”, I say “hey, let’s cut to the chase—I’m horny, AND I practice safe sex.  I only do 5 minutes of foreplay though, and if you can’t get your hole wet in 5 minutes…not my problem.

8)      My aunt lives in the projects and has one of those “obama phones”.  She gets perfect reception here.  My phone is roaming.  Fuck Sprint.  And the liberal agenda of punishing success.

9)      If St. Louis were partitioned like Korea, Delmar is the 38^th Parallel.  Hey fuck you, my analogies are awesome.

10)   I got lost in Dupo and in East St. Louis ON THE SAME DAY.  Regarding the latter, I should’ve taken the route I know, because that on ramp to 55/70 was not there.  Both were traumatizing experiences though.  And if I had to pick which town I’d rather be lost in…well, you may as well ask “do I want to get lynched or mugged?”

11)   HYPERINFLATION IS COMING.  Except libertarians have been screaming that since the 80s.  I’m still waiting.  Also, China only owns 9% of our debt, so no need to invest in Chinese babies.  Gold is still a solid investment, though.

12)   I didn’t steal your bike.  For the last goddamn time, go away.

13)   What is a Twerkit Frenzy and why does she want to guest post on my blog?  I’ll have to talk to her about this.  Maybe she can snaz up the layout and stuff.

14)   It amazes me how little research people do on drugs before taking them.  I find psychopathology fascinating.  I also don’t want to overdose (a large number of Vicodin users have no clue what a cold water extraction is, for example.  Save your liver, people).  I look at an Adderall and see a raecemic mixture of amphetamine salts where the left and right-hand isomers target different parts of the dopamine reward pathway and extremities of the central nervous system.  Some hobo sees an Adderall and goes “hey, it’s orange,  orange  gets me going” and takes it because, well, he’s a bum and stimulants make masturbating behind dumpsters more entertaining I guess.

Video will be up in an hour-ish.  Keep your vaginas lubricated, kids.  Otherwise you’re not gonna withstand the pounding that will take place.

Drunk Texts and White Girls #1

Why do drunk texts piss me off?  They don’t–it’s just that I’m kind of an alcoholic.  It comes with the territory of being angry.  And they’re hilarious.  Two other things as I start this (likely) recurring segment:

1) I may or may not ask permission beforehand if I can post stuff; however, identity will be protected by blocking name/number/photo.

2) I may expand this to include more than just white females–in the meantime, don’t blame me for perpetuating white-girl-wastedness, ladies.  You brought it on yourself.  Right, Jenna?

If you didn’t read my not-so-brief-and-obvious-to-political-junkies analysis the other day, I understand.  Election day is like sex–when it’s over you might want the guy/girl to shut the hell up.  If you’re getting it on with Einstein, no need for him to discuss his theory of relativity.  Especially if he was faster than the speed of light in the sack.

Next time I talk politics here, beer beforehand would be a good idea.  Perhaps more than one.  She had several beverages last Friday:

I mean…she hates politics and she told me everything she hates about politics, like I asked.

No, I was talking to you on Facebook also.  And I wound up staying up all night because weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

I will give credit though on Romney not fixing anything–that 12 million number he kept parroting is simply what most mainstream economists predicted in economic growth.  So he wasn’t really “promising” as much as saying “I can do at least par for the course”.

A golf analogy describing the mediocrity of a partial black guy’s opponent.  Doesn’t sound too good on ESPN or CNN, does it?

(edited to provide link showing mitt’s BS)

Advice to Republicans They Will Not Follow (And Other Stuff Yesterday)

Yesterday was a high-traffic day on the internet, and now that more people know about the blog, a brief post is now warranted to remind people of its existence.  A video will be up tomorrow, so even though I am later (and therefore blacker) than I thought with this, here’s a teaser saying the script is more or less done and I will record it tonight, assuming I do not drink too much vodka.

So Obama won re-election barring the Electoral College going bipolar next month ,so I will support the president despite not voting for him—but will keep an eye on what he does and if promises that went unfulfilled get done. Today, of course, is national “what the fuck did we learn from yesterday” day, where the news tells you what to think about yesterday’s election they told you to think about.  Thankfully, I’m not Terri Schiavo.  Tired, but not a vegetable.  I however do not have cable news and didn’t read much online so I’m not completely parroting my thoughts on yesterday’s all-American circlejerk.

And yeah, I said next month.  Not a reason why the electoral college should be abolished, but few folks know how it works at all given conversations with people lately.

 That said, here are my personal takeaways from yesterday.

 1) The Republican Party chose the person they thought could beat Obama the most easily and not the best person for the job.  Running to the political center come election time is understandable, if you have principles that is.  Romney had none whatsoever, and after 4 years I found something I couldn’t give to Bush 4 years ago: a modicum of respect. 

 

2) I respect those with consistent ideals even if I disagree, even those whose opinions evolve given adequate reasoning for modifying their stance.  If someone like Ron Paul were the nominee, that would be a step in the correct direction.  Actually, more than a step given how he fared versus Obama compared to other nominees.

3) Everyone knows one of my two senators now,or at least the guy who was achin’ to beat her…wait still don’t know?  OK, back under your rock please.  My congressman’s seat is safe and he’s, well, acceptable, after that I was reminded of taking the SAT.

4) After voting accordingly per #3, I went bonkers over what should be an easy process.  Confusing propositions to read?  Choosing if this person can keep their position?  Ok, so what if they can’t keep it?  What happens?  I have to vote for judges?  Really?  OK, well, um, I don’t know any of these people, but I’m going to assume that they throw people in jail for smoking pot in the privacy of their own home, so fuck the War on Drugs and fuck these people.

4) Another thing on the SAT analogy: filling in bubbles?  With a pencil?  In 2012?  ELECTRONIC BALLOTS, PEOPLE.  Not to mention the other horror stories I’ve heard from friends or read online.  Thankfully I had no complications otherwise.  But really, streamline this, people.

 

4) On gay marriage and abortion—go ahead and keep thinking these are as important as other issues, Republicans, that is, if you want to become obsolete.  Furthermore, the court won’t be in danger of switching to the right if more justices retire in the next 4 years so obviously it’s raining birth control pills at Sandra Fluke’s house.

5) Foreign policy—Obama is aggressive enough.  If you want to differ from them, saying you’ll take his foreign policy on steroids does make you different, but maybe not what Americans want.

 6) White people are losing America.  No, seriously.  Yesterday was proof positive that our demographics are changing.  The GOP’s policies will not bring in new voters, as they can be divisive.  While I am not a libertarian, I can sympathize a bit.  Going more in that direction, therefore, may be better approach to combat the “socialism” or perhaps collectivism that Democrats embrace.  Or you can whine and I’ll assume this is payback for slavery.  That works.

7) Speaking of socialism, calling your opponent a socialist while criticizing him for cutting forms of socialism (Medicare) makes you a hypocrite.  And I won’t even get into the concept of what constitutes a cut in Washington.  (HINT:  SOMETIMES IT’S NOT A CUT)  

Politics is a big interest of mine, so I figured I’d cover my thoughts and try to joke a bit as well while it’s the topic du jour.  Written posts won’t follow this format, and funniness has an inverse relationship with length it seems.

I’m an engineer as well as a mad black guy.  Deal with the mathematical metaphors or get the fuck out.

Alright, kids–stay tuned tomorrow.

A day late here, but…Breast Cancer Awareness Month: does it do more harm than good? Are corporations finding a cure or making a profit? What does “awareness” even mean, anyway?

I explored this topic yesterday in a humorous and sometimes apoplectic manner in my Halloween costume. Also, my Coors Light was only “cold” and not “super cold”. #firstworldproblems

Enjoy, kids.