RIP Terry Allen (6.30.1954–10.6.2014)

Posted in Uncategorized on November 1, 2014 by teemunney

*This was meant for Facebook, hence my discussing the hiatus later in the post*

So you probably know how infernal 2013 was for me, but relief came in February in KC. Even more adventures began in June when I moved to Michigan for my new job and new chapter of my journey. During this “honeymoon” phase I thought I had conquered anything life could possibly throw at me. Anything was possible. My psyche could never be broken. EVER. Try to break me. Just fucking try.

Well, one call I received in mid-August and another earlier this month showed that my hubris was once again on display.

Those calls, as you may have inferred by now, informed me of the diagnosis and death, respectively, of one of my best friends.

dad

He had his flaws, we had some disagreements. But his involvement in my life–from teaching me to read at age 3, drilling me with math flash cards at age 4, getting me into baseball and eventually being head coach of our team for 3 years, to encouraging me to get out of Cahokia to better myself at age 15, to his steadily consistent love for me and respect for others that he deemed worthy of receiving—is a gift arguably worth as much as the gift of the life he helped give me. Especially when you consider where I am from and how few fathers are around in those homes. I thought he would live long past 60. I thought his desire to take care of himself more would offset my mom’s death at age 57 by more than 3 years. And I never thought I’d share something like this on Facebook—I kept my mother’s death in September 2011 off what some perceive as a deep blue sea of negativity. And I didn’t wanna be a complete attention/sympathy whore.

But there’s a difference. This isn’t Facebook drama. It’s real life. And I’m going on FB hiatus for 30 days, starting at 1:00 Eastern on Sunday, so I can do what he’d want me to do—live my life. Watching football exactly 27 days after I got that call will probably help me remember that I am 27 years old. I in theory have a long life to live, but being at the near midway point—assuming I do not live longer than my parents—scares the fuck out of me.

Emotionally, I am alright. Don’t worry. I still have bursts of anger or sadness that come at random, but I am handling this tragedy much better than the one from 3 years ago.

New hobbies have been part of that, and darts helped me get my mind off his cancer and death more than anything. Except for when I hit the triple-20 spot in honor of him, I guess.

The last time I quit FB was in January of 2013, for 30 days. During that time, I lost 13 pounds, quit drinking, noticed a reduced need for prescribed medication, slept better, truly got my ass in gear regarding my job search after a couple weeks of feeling sorry for myself, and to say it simply—I found better crap to do. Even if I was browsing Reddit, it was still at LEAST marginally better than wasting time on Facebook. No, really.

I also found obsolete ways of contacting people. Anyone remember texting? Actually hearing a voice on the damn phone? I think that had a significant effect in curtailing negative states of mind, also.

So my absence does not mean I won’t be completely out of touch with the world. I have email (tavaresallen@gmail.com), Skype (tavares.allen.17), this blog, hell my YouTube channel isn’t extinct yet, go there if you want. I do need to make another video though.

If you want to be really brave, you can text or (gasp) call me. My number has changed as of April though, so message me before I deactivate on Sunday if you want it.

I’m out. Have fun dressing up like sluts without judgment, girls, and embarrass yourself even more than usual, gents. She doesn’t even know what you look like with that Ebola mask on. Go for it.  Your costume is totally original, bro.

Rest in peace, dad.  I’d like to think you’re reading this laughing and wondering why I never showed you my YouTube channel.  That’s a good question, actually.

Fuck The Police, Part #57897914

Posted in Uncategorized on September 6, 2014 by teemunney

Now that I think about it, last night could have been worse.  Much worse.  And I’ll explain why later, but as for now, let’s get into why EVERY situation with a police officer must end with me hating them more and more.

I was over the middle broke white line of the eastbound side of I-94.  Which happens many times and is careless.  What is more careless is how the police officer, instead of turning his lights on whilst behind me, you know, like a normal cop, he decides to get in the left lane and turn his lights on–as if he was almost hoping I would swerve into him and then he’d have a reason to legitimately shoot me.  Right?  In any case, after 10 seconds or so, he gets behind me and then proceeds.  I hadn’t eaten a boulder of crystal meth behind me, so I wasn’t really ready for a white guy to rape me with his consent.  But I guess you have no other choice.  That’s why it’s rape and just not regular old froth-filled gay fucking.

He walks over.  He asks me all the stupid questions.  “You know what the middle white line is for, right?” “Why are you even driving like this?” “Oh, so you’re clearing your windshield off while you’re driving?  That’s smart, you should have done that beforehand” (never mind Michigan’s perpetual fog and the fact that my defogger is made for ants) “Where’s your phone? What were you doing with it?” At this point he slyly requests to see it, not outright, but upon locating it he said nothing afterward.  And even if he did, I am aware of my 4th amendment rights.  Or at least what’s left of it.

I’d try answering any questions in a stammering manner, but you know there’s no point.  Cops are the authority, they simply go through this in order to remind themselves that.  Such a shame to need that much stimulation to get an erection.

I give the polcie officer my license and what registration I had on hand.  It was not the current one–hey, I was scared.  I have no time to make sure things are correct because if I take too long he will continue to try to provoke me, 

Then again, maybe I should have taken that time.

“Is this car yours?”

“Yes, of course It’s mine.”

“Well when someone is driving that erratically and is trying to talk over me, i get curious.”

“Sir, I’m sorry about–”

“When I see an Illinois form of identifcation, Missouri registration, Kansas license plates, and you’re in Michigan, I have to wonder if you’re a criminal.”

‘Sir, it is completely false for you to assume–”

“I didn’t assume anything.  I’m just curious.”  At this point my mind’s dopaminergic neurons completely fail at trying to understand this guy.  They basically start sucking up neurotransmitters instead of releasing them, causing a complete implosion.

“I AM NOT A CRIMINAL, I AM AN EDUCATED COLLEGE GRADUATE WITH A CIVIL ENGINEERING DEGREE.”

That felt good.  I don’t like pulling the “black” card.  So I said “educated”.  Close enough.

“Well if you’re educated, then you can get Michigan plates after being here within 90 days of moving and a license within 60, and you can get me a proper registration when I return.”

Well, sure, officer, I can get you a proper registration except it was on my coffee table.  Because when calling my insurance company yesterday, I couldn’t just keep the fucking registration in the car.  Don’t ask–it’s been a very rough week, what, with working 44 hours in 4 days–so brainfarts and just plain massive ADD happen.  

At this point, I would like to speed things along, but I can’t.  See, if I get out of my car for any reason, I’m resisting arrest before I even get arrested.  If I touch my phone again, this time he’s going to demand it and any acknowledgments of my rights is going to lead to someone having to read my last rights.  Use your head?  Bullet to the head.  That’s how it goes in this country now.

A half-hour later, I get my ticket for careless/reckless driving or whatever, and that was the end of it.  Thankfully.  It could have been worse though had he seen that yellow pill under my armrest upon searching my car.  I have a prescription for said medication, but who knows, maybe I look like the kingpin of Operation Pill Crusher.

That’s the name of your drug ring?  Really?  Somewhere Heisenberg is laughing is ass off at you.

I have more to complain about, given that my mom’s 60th birthday would have been yesterday and tomorrow marks the 3rd anniversary of her death….oh wait, yeah I do have more to complain about, something that could not have come at a worse time than this.

The Id of Idleness – The Drive-Thru

Posted in Uncategorized on March 24, 2013 by teemunney

I am an advocate of the paleo diet–more on that in later entries–but I am not exactly on the diet as it is more expensive than the Standard American Diet, which as a fledgling substitute teacher (more on this later also), makes me…well…SAD.

Even when not paleo-ing though, I observe humans in their habitats, craving cups of corn syrup, carbing up with french fries, and fucking over their kids by force-feeding them friend chicken nuggets–and I gotta say, we are going to be stuck as a people eventually.  No, literally stuck IN OUR CARS.

So this morning, I go to a McDonalds and notice the drive-through line is spilled over in nearly both directions.Image

Essentially, the entire restaurant is encircled by cars, and people are trying to go in/out of the same (small) entrance.  Upon seeing this clusterfuck, I say to myself “HEY, it’s fast food, maybe it would be FASTER if I go inside to acquire my sausage burrito and hash browns.”  I take note of the cars and their position in line.

I order my food and it is ready more freaky fast than Jimmy John’s could ever dream of.  Even the cashier was dumbfounded–I got my food before my change.  Not even kidding.  I check my order to ensure accuracy, saunter out of the restaurant, and take a look at the line’s progress.  Only two cars have ordered from the drive thru.  TWO.  I walked a grand total of 200 feet and the cars in line moved 20 feet.  I look dumb wearing shorts in the 30-degree weather, they look dumber on their smartphones, telling Facebook how good their breakfast is gonna be, pledging their alleigance to corporate america with crony capitalism and selective justice for those with good lawyers.

 

This is why we can’t have universal healthcare.

Posted in Uncategorized on March 12, 2013 by teemunney

This is the first of two videos I have done in the past month or so that I have not posted to this blog, but have posted on Facebook and elsewhere.

I had to get in on the Harlem Shake craze.  It’s ridiculously simple to do, first of all.  And there were other reasons, like promoting my channel.  If you like critical thinking (like I do), you should hate the Harlem Shake and everything about it.  As such, if you like critical thinking–all I ask is to hang in there for one more video.  Just trust me once you get to the 15 second mark.

 

I also would like to add that this is the highest viewed video in the “Pissed Off Black Guy” series.  Not sure if I should feel proud or if I should relinquish the last iota of faith I have in humanity.

VIDEO DUMP #1

Posted in Uncategorized on March 11, 2013 by teemunney

This is the first of two videos I have done in the past month or so that I have not posted to this blog, but have posted on Facebook and elsewhere.

This one was in early February about the Super Bowl–an updated version of my first ever vid, done leaner, tighter, and awesome-er.  It was well received, but if you missed it, here you go.

 

Black Friday Rage (and random displays of teh stoopid that have bugged me lately)

Posted in Uncategorized on November 23, 2012 by teemunney

I haven’t slept in almost 2 days and I’m supposed to get white-girl wasted with white girls tonight.  So here’s a post of random stuff that intrigued me during my reunion with a high school classmate (not from ho-town, the boarding school) today, along with things that have annoyed me over the past couple of days.  I am uploading a video currently, so think of this as the tease before the please.

1)      Fuck Black Friday and the nignorance surrounding this spectacle.  I see no point in standing in line to buy shit at midnight, so I will mock this chicanery by using politically correct words like “nignorance”.  Besides, my sole Black Friday shopping experience was  I got a sweet cell phone last year for $50 (half off).  Went to Best Buy at 4pm.  No trampling necessary.  I also know the meaning of Christmas more than most.  And I don’t really believe in God.  What a country.

2)      I regularly black out on Fridays, anyway.  You say I’m doing black Friday wrong, but I beg to differ.

3)      White girls love me because I drink heavily and am brutally honest with people, myself, and how I see the world.  I don’t have a girlfriend though, because I drink heavily and am brutally honest with people, myself, and how I see the world.

4)      Now that Ron Paul is leaving Congress (more on this topic in a future post), it’s safe to say that he’s going to eventually live in a nursing home and develop dementia.  He’ll be the guy in the hallway in a wheelchair being all like “AUSTRIAN ECONOMICS!”

“HEY GUYS, REMEMBER AYN RAND?  I FUCKED HER AND SHE DIDN’T WANT TO CUDDLE AFTERWARD”

“WEDNESDAY NIGHT’S LIBERTARIAN BINGO NIGHT.  NO FREE SPACE IN THE MIDDLE BECAUSE IT SYMBOLIZES GOVERNMENT HANDOUTS”

5)      Speaking of Ron Paul, I’m not sure how one can call himself a libertarian but think Dr. Paul is an idiot.  Then again, Republicans knew Romney was an idiot, but not having melanin makes up for that.  Can’t have a black guy in the White House that’s not a janitor, you know.

6)      Government is a lot like Internet Explorer.  It’s too bulky, not responding, crashes, and always offers to find a solution to the problem, which inevitably makes it worse.

7)      A girl got in my car and completely overlooked the box of condoms and K-Y Jelly in my passenger seat.  No fucks given on either side of this social interaction.  I should actually see how females respond on first dates.  They may say “wtf”, I say “hey, let’s cut to the chase—I’m horny, AND I practice safe sex.  I only do 5 minutes of foreplay though, and if you can’t get your hole wet in 5 minutes…not my problem.

8)      My aunt lives in the projects and has one of those “obama phones”.  She gets perfect reception here.  My phone is roaming.  Fuck Sprint.  And the liberal agenda of punishing success.

9)      If St. Louis were partitioned like Korea, Delmar is the 38th Parallel.  Hey fuck you, my analogies are awesome.

10)   I got lost in Dupo and in East St. Louis ON THE SAME DAY.  Regarding the latter, I should’ve taken the route I know, because that on ramp to 55/70 was not there.  Both were traumatizing experiences though.  And if I had to pick which town I’d rather be lost in…well, you may as well ask “do I want to get lynched or mugged?”

11)   HYPERINFLATION IS COMING.  Except libertarians have been screaming that since the 80s.  I’m still waiting.  Also, China only owns 9% of our debt, so no need to invest in Chinese babies.  Gold is still a solid investment, though.

12)   I didn’t steal your bike.  For the last goddamn time, go away.

13)   What is a Twerkit Frenzy and why does she want to guest post on my blog?  I’ll have to talk to her about this.  Maybe she can snaz up the layout and stuff.

14)   It amazes me how little research people do on drugs before taking them.  I find psychopathology fascinating.  I also don’t want to overdose (a large number of Vicodin users have no clue what a cold water extraction is, for example.  Save your liver, people).  I look at an Adderall and see a raecemic mixture of amphetamine salts where the left and right-hand isomers target different parts of the dopamine reward pathway and extremities of the central nervous system.  Some hobo sees an Adderall and goes “hey, it’s orange,  orange  gets me going” and takes it because, well, he’s a bum and stimulants make masturbating behind dumpsters more entertaining I guess.

Video will be up in an hour-ish.  Keep your vaginas lubricated, kids.  Otherwise you’re not gonna withstand the pounding that will take place.

Pissed off White Guy for President

Posted in Political Humor on November 12, 2012 by teemunney

So, um, about Tuesday and who I voted for.

I’m late with posting this, but I’m a pissed off black guy.  Being late comes with the territory.  And with the melanin.

Tuesday was exciting for those who voted…if your vote counted.  There are, however, some things I take issue with.  Obamacare was full of corporate giveaways and had an individual mandate, but no real cost controls.  Thanks for making me buy not only a product, but one that sucks.

Found this on Reddit–and there are other things too that I have issues with.

I was a bit caught up in Obama-mania like everyone else, and rightly so. Look, Obama, I believe, still is a genuine real individual. And at very least, he’s a black man in a suit and not an empty suit.  He thought he could change Washington rather than become a part of it, and  many others did too.

Now if any of the information below bugs you, and you voted for Obama but have no clue what I’m talking about, go look it up. If you do know, ask yourself one more time: did you truly vote for him or were you voting for the lesser of two evils? 4 years ago, I was in tears on election night .  Oh and fuck Ferris Bueller, I had the best day off EVER.

I am very happy with Tuesday’s outcome given the realistic possibilities–however, Obama’s mantra of “change” gives me pause, knowing some things he has (or has not) done.

So let’s think of someone else that gives a voice to the people.  Someone that is a great public speaker, always seemed wise for his age, questions the status quo, and did it through his career, and if he takes the Oval Office would bring honesty with us—saying stuff that our President won’t say on television.  And let’s face it, Obama’s only prolonging the inevitable, this country’s going to hell in a handbasket, so I could use some laughs while our nation falls. So yes, I present my vote for this year and maybe 2016 if everything still sucks.

If George Carlin from 1988 onward did not epitomize the pissed off white guy, I don’t know what does. Yeah, the Tea Party is full of them. But they’re also idiots.

And before you ask, yes, I did look at third party candidates.  Jill Stein is close to ideal for me, but she doesn’t have executive experience, lacked some specifics on energy policy, plus a she’s a sexagenarian Jewish grandmother from Massachusetts—she’s old and cute, but her public speaking skills miiiiiiiiight need work.  Maybe she will run again next time, but for now, here’s why I voted Carlin this year.  No really, I did.

I don’t take voting seriously? I beg to differ.

1)      I never needed the news to tell me this, but I don’t live in a swing state anymore.  My home state, Missouri, was once the swingiest of swing states, siding with the winner of Presidential elections 24 out of 25 times in 100 years (1956 being the exception).  This trend broke in 2008 with McCain edging Obama, Romney won here by 15 points yesterday, and despite his defeat, the fact that Todd Akin was thought to be a good challenger to Claire McCaskill shows me that the “show-me state” has lost his goddamn mind.  Thankfully, Mr. Akin’s butt is now aching from the pounding taken at the ballot box, and Claire McCaskill is thankful for not having to face a legitimate candidate.

Akin jokes aside…really, Claire, pay your goddamn taxes or in 2018 you’ll be up a river without a paddle…on a float trip.  I know you’re pro-choice, but that there’s an abortion.

2)      A pissed off black guy on the internet is fine, but not in Washington.  Yes, our demographics are changing, but after 4 years, we know what happens if Barack gets off his rocker: SOMEONE’s gonna pull the “black and angry” card.  Fox News is just chomping at the bit.  So there will be much he wants to say to us, but, he won’t say them on television, but Carlin said a lot of words.  Seven in particular.

George Carlin arguably is the reason why you pay extra money to hear someone say on HBO say “fuck”. No seriously, some guy got pissed off, and instead of turning the station when his kid was around, he decided the government had to get involved.  He’s probably not afraid of endangering his career because of a hot blonde.  Tiger Woods wasn’t afraid of hot blondes fucking up his career–he instead FUCKED them.  Barack, take notes from your mixed-race brethren, ok?

3)      His humor helped me learn some hard truths, particularly regarding our country’s political discourse:

a) The American Dream likely will never become a reality.

b) Your vote doesn’t count, and (if you don’t live in a swing state) you’re nothing more than a participant in the red, white, and blue circlejerk.

c) Rights are a just figment of our imagination (or God-Given, close enough)

These are just a few of his beliefs conveyed through the medium of stand up.  Some of this may just seems like clever wordplay, sure, but what also makes comedy funny is little nuggets, sometimes hard bits of truth, that people always think but do not say.  If I was white and didn’t vote for Obama, yes, that would make me racist, but my vote was an attempt to show my idealism over pragmatism.  Given today’s politics, these sides of me are constantly wrestling with me.  A vote for Obama in ’08 satisfied both sides of me.  This year, not so much.

4)      If you don’t think he has a chance to win, you’re wrong.  Yes, he’s dead.  A dead guy can’t POSSIBLY win, right?  Except for, well, it’s happened before.  Mel Carnahan ran against incumbent John Ashcroft in 2000 for U.S. senate in what was a very close race for the whole campaign.  Carnahan, unfortunately was killed along with his son, the pilot, just outside the St. Louis area.  His wife, Jean, took the seat, until a special election (which the Missouri state constitution requires) was held in 2002 and she ultimately lost.

I’m sure there are loopholes in the system, I’ll check these out.  So if you’re going to argue a dead guy can’t win, libertarians, nice try.  This is why you should join forces with me.

I’m not gonna lie, this election was a bit anticlimactic, thanks to Nate Silver (goddamn math making pontificanting pundits irrelevant) and having to write two reaction videos/posts was pointless.  If Romney won, all I’d have was a video of me throwing shit. For 6 minutes.  Not funny after awhile.

But as a result, those who ridiculed my vote no longer matter—and I am questioning the system with just one vote and a little bit of logic.  Now just wait until I pull a Donald Trump and say something completely retarded. In the meantime, I’ll keep an eye on things, discuss what I feel is important, and lay off rooting for a political party like it’s a sports team.  I can wait three months to get pissed off about that.

And while I refuse to settle, I gotta admit that Democrats have a chance to win me over with their very own crazy angry uncle—Joe Biden.

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